“I know better now, and so I am trying to do better. It is painful because the old ways are so comfortable but I know in my heart that pain is the only thing that will bloom if I go backwards and plant the same seeds I always did.

I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, and watch the light grow inside of me. So yes, I know better, and yes I will try to do better. I will trust that this uncomfortable feeling will fade into peace, and I will be one step closer to being free in me.

I am letting go of many things, thoughts, feelings, and people that have weighed me down until the water filled my lungs. I am learning how to breathe again without them, and it feels bittersweet but I know this is what is right for me.

I won’t explain or justify myself to anyone. I will live out my life with joy, with peace, with honesty, and I will not let anything unravel me again.

This is my story, and beautiful things will be written in each page. The light will soak into my words, and I will come alive in each chapter. No more holding back. No more pleasing you. No more making myself small to make you more. 

I am here, and I am going to take up space. I am going to live.

”

—    Dele Olanubi

Seattle, Washington

biking
dogs
weather
walking
public transit
conversation
flowers
produce
bakeries
fruits
veggies
love
my home. <3 

Receiving lesson: Grief and Pain as a necessary Pathway to Acceptance

When you honor the full sweep of your emotions
For the purpose of practicing acceptance
and giving full voice to a violation
"You're likely to experience many losses at this time-
losses regarding the way you know yourself
and the person who harmed you,
losses regarding the way you think about people
and the world you live in.
Whatever is gone and changed has to be acknowledged
                            and grieved"

"...[A]s for all of us, the ability to empathize with ourselves- to feel for our own suffering, to know what we have endured- is a critical step in becoming whole again"

(Learned from "How Can I Forgive You?"- Janis Abrahms Spring p. 56)

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Message received. Thanks Asif. Thanks Rolling Stones.

The 2014 Funk

Currently listening to: Fire Scene by S. Carey 

I've been noticing a trend in many of the conversations I've been having with acquaintances and close friends. This year has felt in someway like one
                                    l            o              n                  g 
                                                month.

 People seem to feel like they are in a slump. The weather certainly has not been helping.

"I don't know how to support [you], if I don't know what's going on"

This is something my chapter adviser said to us on Sunday and it really stuck out to me. We can't receive what we need if we don't ask. Moreover, you can't support and care for yourself if you are not honest with yourself about what is going on.

Her quote made me think. The mere act of acknowledging that we can't do it alone is a courageous thing. To fully acknowledge and come to terms with the fact that:

1. The world does not revolve around us
2. We are not (and cannot do everything) alone. 

So many of my experiences this year have been huge learning points and have really helped to humble me. I have learned the two lessons I listed above: that it's not all about me and what I need and that I can't do everything on my own. I honestly think that sometimes we cause our own slumps; we cause them by denying ourselves the care and attention we deserve....we tell ourselves that we don't have to care for ourselves and thus we do not reach out for help...instead we create unsustainable distractions, excuses, and quick fixes. One of the hardest things to do is to feel vulnerable and reach out for help because we sometimes believe that it makes us weak, however, it is actually the opposite.

Lesson: There is incredible strength in being able to reach out for help to people you trust.

Acceptance of the Unknown

As I continuously reflect and write about the peace of accepting the unknown and releasing my need for control I look over to find that the clock that I have by my bed no longer shows me the time. It's a digital clock and for some reason or another, the numbers of the clock are blended into the LED background and now I have no sense of what time it is by looking at the clock. At first I was a bit startled and I unplugged my clock and plugged it back in with no luck in changing its state. My initial thought was to be frustrated as it was a fairly new clock and I thought to myself, "What good would a blank LED screen do for me?"

 But then I stopped.
  I took a breath.
 This was exactly it.
 This was the lesson.  

Ah, well played. 

"I just need to know you're not going to wake up in the morning and feel differently."

Love and [in]security.

500 Days of Summer is one of my all-time favorite movies. I have seen it at least 30 times and every time I watch it I notice and learn something new. You know a movie is incredible and your own when you are able to revisit it at different times in your life and it speaks to you in ways that it had not the previous time you watched it. Movies can do this for us, books can do this for us, people, conversations, music...anything and everything that has soul.

The title of this post is a quote from 500 Days of Summer...Tom says this to Summer when she comes back and knocks on his door late at night after they had a fight. As I sat in my psychological anthropology class today and participated and listened to our discussion and my professor's talk about American folk models about love and relationships, this quote suddenly sprung into my mind and something just clicked for me. I realized that Tom's quote and mindset in saying this was exactly what contributed to his exact fear.
What do I mean by this? Did that even make sense? Okay, let me unpack it for you.

Tom is insecure. He is scared- as anyone else might be when they are opening up to possibly love another person. He asks of Summer something that no one can provide which is guaranteed and unbounded security. Tom's need for security is resting on his idea that love and a person can be controlled and guaranteed and ultimately stems, again, from Tom's fears and insecurities. However, through Tom's illusion that people and feelings can be controlled, he closes himself off to not only himself but also to Summer. He closes himself off through this needed illusion/ sense of control and through his rooted expectations. He then, as a result, is not fully present with and for Summer and instead, does not love her for her true self but rather he seems to love her as an idea and a particularly image that he maintains throughout the entire movie. This is another way of attempting to create a sense of "safety" and "security" in a situation where such notions need to be abandoned in order for them to be genuinely and truly felt. To be truly present and to truly love someone, you must be able to be vulnerable and open with them.

One of my favorite books, "Tuesdays with Morrie" has taught me so much about life and love but one quote that seems to connect really well with Tom's quote is this:

“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.”

― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

So there it is. The one thing you crave, deserve, and need is the one thing that is wholeheartedly terrifying, scary, and not guaranteed. To open up and love someone is a risk- it makes you vulnerable and tender and it is scary- but it is the only way to receive love.
I'll leave you with this:

“It is a risk to love.

What if it doesn't work out?

Ah, but what if it does.”

― Peter McWilliams

“All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.”

—Mitch Albom 

"Paradise is Where I am." (Voltaire)

“Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.”

— Anna Quindlen, Every Last One 

This year, admittedly, has been incredibly challenging for me. Zora Neale Hurston wrote that 

"There are Years that ask questions and years that Answer." 

This certainly has been a year of questions, reflection, growth, and change. It's important to balance the fact that change is uncomfortable and frankly, really hurts at times. It's like the process of removing an incredibly sharp splinter that has been pricked deep inside the most sensitive part of your finger and fingernail. You get used to the blocking entity and you try to convince yourself that:

It's fine

Things don't have to change

I'm used to it 

It doesn't hurt if I just leave it as it is 

It'd be even worse to try to take it out/ change things

Can you imagine how terrible, decaying, and weakening it would be if we let the splinters in our lives remain as they are? Of course, removing the splinters of your life take time, patience, care, and love. The first step to removing the splinter is to acknowledge that it is there and that is is harmful or is not serving you. From there, taking the patient and careful steps to removing the splinter are up to you. What I have learned, though, is that in attempting to heal and remove splinters in our lives and from ourselves, we must be patient. I can't yank out something that has felt a part of me for some time and expect myself to not bleed. It takes time. It takes compassion. It takes patience with yourself...and that is one of the most difficult things to handle and accept, especially in a society that seems to value quick results in 10 easy linear steps. 

I read the quote above by Anna Quindlen and felt hopeful and felt a sense of peace by it. It reminded me to celebrate and acknowledge the present and all of the past experiences that have all come together to make up the now. Sometimes it's easy to lose perspective and fall deep into a hole of negative thinking and fear-- this often is what leads to a toxic way of trying to control and plan for the future. In a way, Quindlen's quote reminded me of a quote by Voltaire which is the title of this post:

Paradise is where I am.

--I thought of this quote as the idea that in spite of all of the struggles, hardships, frustrations, and fears that I might be feeling right now, I might be exactly where I should be at this time in my life. It's comforting to know that not knowing what's going to happen next is not only okay, but is exactly what I need.  To remind myself to be self compassionate and to stop putting my healing, emotions, and existence on a timeline....now that is important. It is something I need to remind myself every day. 

American Beauty

There is this quote from American Beauty that I just thought of a couple of minutes ago.
It finally connects with me now. It makes more sense to me. I'll share it with you:

"..but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

Reflections on Healing- Vulnerability and Self-Worth

"The cure for the pain is the pain" 

-Rumai 

For a while now I have felt drawn to starting a new blog where I would be able to, without pressure or expectation, reflect on my struggles, achievements, and all the opportunities that are presented to me as I grow, live, and love day by day. Every challenge and every joyous moment is an opportunity for reflection, growth, and learning and to that I will try my best to be fully present and aware: not only in the moments where I feel joy, happiness, warmth, and gratitude, but perhaps even more so in the moments where I feel frustrated, lost, confused, and overwhelmed...I suppose the one word I am looking for is-

         Vulnerable. 

Vulnerability.

It's a word that has gotten a lot of use lately and for good reason. Sometimes people say that until you say a particular thing out loud- you are able to trick yourself or hide from the everything that is associated with that word. I think I have been doing this with vulnerability for some time now...

-and for good reason. Nobody likes to feel vulnerable; it's scary. Vulnerability is feeling hurt. Vulnerability is feeling lost. So many of my experiences have called to my attention my tendency to run away and numb myself from feelings and experiences that make me feel vulnerable.

As Brené Brown talks about in her incredible TedTalk about vulnerability, "We numb vulnerability", "The problem is ...that we cannot selectively numb emotion...when we numb [vulnerability, bad feelings], we numb joy, we numb happiness..."What an important thing to keep in mind. We can't selectively numb and if and when we choose to numb- we numb not only the bad but also the good. Could you see how this kind of numbing could cause a total loss of perspective into your life? Either you tell yourself that nothing matters and nothing is worth your attention or conversely, everything becomes a crisis. 

Why is it so difficult for us to admit that we are hurting? Why do we consistently deny ourselves the love and care we all deserve? 

I reflect back on the experiences of my childhood and recognize that growing up, this instilled fear of reaching out and feeling unworthy or burdensome to receive the love I need, was not present in my childhood. As an infant: when you are hungry or uncomfortable- you cry. You are vulnerable. You express immediately that you need something. 

Through my experiences with children I notice how incredibly honest, open, and wise they are. When their feelings are hurt- they express that...in the moment; not 2 hours later after harboring it and making passive aggressive marks. It is so freeing to be this way and that calls attention to the fact that maybe this kind of honesty and transparency is exactly what we need to be free but is also the exact thing that we fear and try to prevent when we feel insecure or afraid.

I suppose this blog is almost like a conversation with myself. That's not a crazy or odd thing to say or conceptualize if you think about it. How many moments do we take in our day to truly check in and take care of ourselves? 

If you are reading this, I thank you. Truly. I hope this is equally valuable to both of us. Even if you don't ever respond to my posts, it is enough that you are reading this right now. You deserve love, you deserve care. You are loved. You are worthy. I'll leave you with this and I hope we continue our relationship: 

“By telling you anything at all I’m at least believing in you, I believe you’re there, I believe you into being. Because I’m telling you this story I will your existence. I tell, therefore you are.”

— Margaret Atwood, from The Handmaid’s Tale