"Paradise is Where I am." (Voltaire)

“Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.”

— Anna Quindlen, Every Last One 

This year, admittedly, has been incredibly challenging for me. Zora Neale Hurston wrote that 

"There are Years that ask questions and years that Answer." 

This certainly has been a year of questions, reflection, growth, and change. It's important to balance the fact that change is uncomfortable and frankly, really hurts at times. It's like the process of removing an incredibly sharp splinter that has been pricked deep inside the most sensitive part of your finger and fingernail. You get used to the blocking entity and you try to convince yourself that:

It's fine

Things don't have to change

I'm used to it 

It doesn't hurt if I just leave it as it is 

It'd be even worse to try to take it out/ change things

Can you imagine how terrible, decaying, and weakening it would be if we let the splinters in our lives remain as they are? Of course, removing the splinters of your life take time, patience, care, and love. The first step to removing the splinter is to acknowledge that it is there and that is is harmful or is not serving you. From there, taking the patient and careful steps to removing the splinter are up to you. What I have learned, though, is that in attempting to heal and remove splinters in our lives and from ourselves, we must be patient. I can't yank out something that has felt a part of me for some time and expect myself to not bleed. It takes time. It takes compassion. It takes patience with yourself...and that is one of the most difficult things to handle and accept, especially in a society that seems to value quick results in 10 easy linear steps. 

I read the quote above by Anna Quindlen and felt hopeful and felt a sense of peace by it. It reminded me to celebrate and acknowledge the present and all of the past experiences that have all come together to make up the now. Sometimes it's easy to lose perspective and fall deep into a hole of negative thinking and fear-- this often is what leads to a toxic way of trying to control and plan for the future. In a way, Quindlen's quote reminded me of a quote by Voltaire which is the title of this post:

Paradise is where I am.

--I thought of this quote as the idea that in spite of all of the struggles, hardships, frustrations, and fears that I might be feeling right now, I might be exactly where I should be at this time in my life. It's comforting to know that not knowing what's going to happen next is not only okay, but is exactly what I need.  To remind myself to be self compassionate and to stop putting my healing, emotions, and existence on a timeline....now that is important. It is something I need to remind myself every day.