Reflections on Healing- Vulnerability and Self-Worth

"The cure for the pain is the pain" 

-Rumai 

For a while now I have felt drawn to starting a new blog where I would be able to, without pressure or expectation, reflect on my struggles, achievements, and all the opportunities that are presented to me as I grow, live, and love day by day. Every challenge and every joyous moment is an opportunity for reflection, growth, and learning and to that I will try my best to be fully present and aware: not only in the moments where I feel joy, happiness, warmth, and gratitude, but perhaps even more so in the moments where I feel frustrated, lost, confused, and overwhelmed...I suppose the one word I am looking for is-

         Vulnerable. 

Vulnerability.

It's a word that has gotten a lot of use lately and for good reason. Sometimes people say that until you say a particular thing out loud- you are able to trick yourself or hide from the everything that is associated with that word. I think I have been doing this with vulnerability for some time now...

-and for good reason. Nobody likes to feel vulnerable; it's scary. Vulnerability is feeling hurt. Vulnerability is feeling lost. So many of my experiences have called to my attention my tendency to run away and numb myself from feelings and experiences that make me feel vulnerable.

As Brené Brown talks about in her incredible TedTalk about vulnerability, "We numb vulnerability", "The problem is ...that we cannot selectively numb emotion...when we numb [vulnerability, bad feelings], we numb joy, we numb happiness..."What an important thing to keep in mind. We can't selectively numb and if and when we choose to numb- we numb not only the bad but also the good. Could you see how this kind of numbing could cause a total loss of perspective into your life? Either you tell yourself that nothing matters and nothing is worth your attention or conversely, everything becomes a crisis. 

Why is it so difficult for us to admit that we are hurting? Why do we consistently deny ourselves the love and care we all deserve? 

I reflect back on the experiences of my childhood and recognize that growing up, this instilled fear of reaching out and feeling unworthy or burdensome to receive the love I need, was not present in my childhood. As an infant: when you are hungry or uncomfortable- you cry. You are vulnerable. You express immediately that you need something. 

Through my experiences with children I notice how incredibly honest, open, and wise they are. When their feelings are hurt- they express that...in the moment; not 2 hours later after harboring it and making passive aggressive marks. It is so freeing to be this way and that calls attention to the fact that maybe this kind of honesty and transparency is exactly what we need to be free but is also the exact thing that we fear and try to prevent when we feel insecure or afraid.

I suppose this blog is almost like a conversation with myself. That's not a crazy or odd thing to say or conceptualize if you think about it. How many moments do we take in our day to truly check in and take care of ourselves? 

If you are reading this, I thank you. Truly. I hope this is equally valuable to both of us. Even if you don't ever respond to my posts, it is enough that you are reading this right now. You deserve love, you deserve care. You are loved. You are worthy. I'll leave you with this and I hope we continue our relationship: 

“By telling you anything at all I’m at least believing in you, I believe you’re there, I believe you into being. Because I’m telling you this story I will your existence. I tell, therefore you are.”

— Margaret Atwood, from The Handmaid’s Tale